Category Archives: Beauty

Face it: Your Baby’s Skin Sucks

Face it: baby acne is ugly. Your poor little one is suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous face care. And you need to fix it, stat. Can you imagine how she feels when all the other babies are cooing … Continue reading

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Baby Love: Finding the Perfect Someone for Your Little One

Single babies are ugly. Is your little one sitting at home alone on a Friday night? Is she having a hard time connecting with that special someone during playdates? Nobody to share a binky with? It’s an easy solution.

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Fetal Flash Cards

Dumb babies are ugly. You can get a leg up on their education from the very beginning. Play Mozart, read Nietzsche aloud, practice rhythmic gymnastics. Just like every other podunk backwoods mouth-breathing mother out there. If you really want a … Continue reading

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Being the Most Super Ultra Soundiest

Ultrasound babies are ugly. Show your grainy pictures to friends and family, and look at the fake grins on their faces. The compliments aren’t real. The congratulations are false. They see a grainy black and white image of a blob … Continue reading

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Losing the Baby Fat for Fat Babies: Part 2

We’ve already established it: fat babies are ugly. So when exercise fails to perfect your infant’s physique, what to do? Put her on a diet! When breastfeeding, you can keep your baby’s diet low-fat by only eating low-fat foods, but … Continue reading

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Model Citizens: It Starts With the Parents

We’re changing format just for a day here. Since last weekend was Mother’s Day, I thought it appropriate to celebrate all parents. Including dads. Because dads also can make sure that babies aren’t ugly. Dads can make babies into models. … Continue reading

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Smiles for Miles

Baby gums are ugly. That pink, drooly smile is nothing to gloat about. Sure, she may look happy, but is she? Really? Get some teeth in that face STAT! Give her something to really smile about! The solution is easy. … Continue reading

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