Face it: Your Baby’s Skin Sucks

Face it: baby acne is ugly.

Your poor little one is suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous face care. And you need to fix it, stat. Can you imagine how she feels when all the other babies are cooing “Nipple Face” at her? And those bubbles they’re blowing? Just mocking her acne. So to avoid any further trauma, give that kid a facial, pronto.

Baby facial

Use all organic ingredients for the prettiest skin!

It’s easy. Use all-natural organic ingredients and smear them on while she sleeps. Sure, it may get the crib a little messy, but her everlasting beauty is worth a load of laundry. Am I right, ladies?

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Baby Love: Finding the Perfect Someone for Your Little One

Single babies are ugly.

Is your little one sitting at home alone on a Friday night? Is she having a hard time connecting with that special someone during playdates? Nobody to share a binky with?

It’s an easy solution. Babymatch.com.

Baby Match dot com

Find true love for your little one.

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Toughen Up, Baby

Wussy babies are ugly.

Thankfully, Johnson and Johnson are here to help. They have just released Nothing But Tears Baby Shampoo, clinically proven to produce “noticably thicker skin” .

Nothing But Tears Shampoo from Johnson & Johnson

Finally, your pansy-ass sissy newborn can take a nice warm bath of shut-the-hell-up.

“…The new “Nothing But Tears” shampoo was found to give newborns up to three times greater resilience than the leading competitor, as well as a stronger grasp on the crushing disappointment that is life.” Better they learn about it now, folks.

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Fetal Flash Cards

Dumb babies are ugly.

You can get a leg up on their education from the very beginning. Play Mozart, read Nietzsche aloud, practice rhythmic gymnastics. Just like every other podunk backwoods mouth-breathing mother out there. If you really want a smart baby, get started with fetal flash cards.

Make your baby smart in a flash.

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Being the Most Super Ultra Soundiest

Ultrasound babies are ugly.

Show your grainy pictures to friends and family, and look at the fake grins on their faces. The compliments aren’t real. The congratulations are false. They see a grainy black and white image of a blob of potential human. You can show them how gorgeous your baby truly is.

Pretty pretty ultrasound baby

Make your baby the ultrasoundiest

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Your Baby Pales in Comparison

Pale babies are ugly.
But we know that UV exposure can age their skin too early, so what to do?

Baby spray tan!

Baby Spray Tan

Eliminate that pasty complexion with a simple spray tan.

Not only can you easily give your baby that sun-kissed glow, but you also have the option to contour! If diet and exercise fail at slimming your little one, you can just have her painted to LOOK like a pretty, slim baby. Just add darker pigment to your sprayer to add abs, cheekbones, triceps, calves, whatever areas you think need some definition. She’ll be turning heads when you hit the beach this summer!

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Losing the Baby Fat for Fat Babies: Part 2

We’ve already established it: fat babies are ugly.

So when exercise fails to perfect your infant’s physique, what to do? Put her on a diet!

Lite Formula for Fat Babies

Different varieties for baby weight loss needs!

When breastfeeding, you can keep your baby’s diet low-fat by only eating low-fat foods, but when selecting a formula, there are a few options out there just for your chunker. Whether you’re an Atkins fan, a low-fat follower, or a raw diet devotee, you can trim those thunder thighs with calorie cutbacks.

And, if all else fails, your fat baby has a final glimmer of hope: Baby Spanx.

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